Moshe’s Blog

The Invisible Addiction Leaders Face: 7 Amare Steps to See It, Accept It, and Release Its Hold

The Unseen Addiction in Business Leadership

When I wrote the book The Amare Wave about love-powered leadership, I added a page just before the introduction to share why I wrote it: To reduce suffering, which I define as self-imposed distress that comes from resisting what is. What I didn’t know at the time, is that I was working on my own suffering, too.

In my work coaching outstanding leaders, and in my own life, I see suffering as the unseen addiction that underlies many of the challenges so many executives face. Being exhausted from working nonstop, feeling inadequate no matter your accomplishments, leading teams that refuse to get on the same page…when problems like these are chronic, they are likely symptoms of an invisible addiction to suffering.

The tricky thing is we usually don’t know we are addicted to suffering. We delude ourselves by pretending that suffering is a show of strength, and we believe that our suffering is situational, caused by this event or that person, when in reality suffering is the water we are always swimming in. Which makes it a “state” to which we are symbiotically attached, a state that we return to again and again–an addiction. The good news is that once we see it for what it is, we can gradually release its hold, and come back home to leading with love.

Are you suffering?

Are you willing to never suffer again?

7 Amare Ways to Know & Reduce Your Suffering

1. Identify your beliefs about suffering. Ask yourself hard questions like: What message did you get growing up about suffering? Do you believe suffering is inevitable? What do you tell yourself when you suffer? What payoff do you get from suffering?

2. Recognize the water you are swimming in. If it is suffering, say so. Observe when you are in it and what it feels like, looks like, sounds like, smells like. Really get to know the water as something separate from you. And know you can always choose a different pond.

3. Practice awareness and choosing. In every situation, before you knee-jerk react, pause. Ask yourself: Will I choose suffering or something else right now? Then empower yourself to act on your choice.

4. Be happy now, even if you’re suffering. Notice if the seed of suffering in you is strong. If it is, don’t wait for your suffering to end before allowing yourself to be happy. Enjoy a moment of happiness right now. Even in the midst of suffering. Repeat often.

5. Notice if you glorify suffering. List phrases that you regularly cite, which may both be true and make suffering an emblem of strength. Examples: No pain, no gain. Bear the cross. Pay your dues. Now ask yourself if those beliefs still serve you.

6. Steep yourself in positivity. Commit to do one thing every day that uplifts you and gives you perspective: smiling, a walk in nature, inspiring music, comedy, time with loved ones. When you take these actions, remind yourself you are choosing love over suffering.

7. Be super-compassionate with yourself. Recognizing and letting go of a lifelong pattern like suffering is hard. Give yourself time and space. Celebrate small wins. Don’t let the process cause you even more suffering!

As a leader, you need to be self-aware, which is a lifelong practice. Learn more about understanding and letting go of your suffering. Check out the work of Pema Chodron, Jim Case, Marshall Goldsmith, and my book The Amare Wave: Uplift Your Business by Putting Love to Work.

Delving into your core beliefs about suffering can be a game-changer for your work and your life. It takes equal parts courage, compassion, and commitment. Embrace the challenge, one day at a time.

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