Moshe’s Blog

Stop Being So Mean to Yourself: 5 Amare Leadership Tips for Less Suffering and More Happiness

How Being Too Nice and So Mean Go Together

Several months ago I wrote this article about how to stop being too nice at work. Read over 30,000 times on Inc. alone, the topic resonated with a lot of leaders. Interestingly, what I often see in executives I coach that are “too nice” is that they are actually being very mean… to themselves.

Being mean to yourself manifests on the inside as being hyper-critical, blocking joy, and feeling that you’re never enough. On the outside it shows up as being too soft and never taking a firm stand; or the opposite, being arrogant and heartless. Either way, being mean to yourself causes suffering and makes you a less effective leader. It denies your full power.

If you are mean to yourself, it may be so deep-seated and familiar that you don’t even see the meanness – you think it’s just how you are. For you, the first steps are awareness and acceptance. If you do recognize that you are sometimes mean to yourself, your first step is to choose whether to continue or to stop it. If you are not mean to yourself, beautiful. Be a role model for other leaders.

Are you mean to yourself?

If yes, because…? If no, because…?

What people or situations most trigger it?

5 Amare Steps to Stop Being So Mean to Yourself

1. Do an honest self-assessment. Estimate how many of your daily thoughts are self-critical. Now consider what proportion of those are simply mean and absent of any present day validity, and which have a useful message for you.

2. Get clear on suffering and happiness. Ask yourself if you think suffering is a noble show of strength, and if joy diminishes that. Next explore where those beliefs come from. Then ask yourself what might happen if you said no to suffering and yes to happiness.

3. Explore the payoffs. To let go of meanness to yourself, list three things that sustain it in you. It could be playing it safe, aligning with someone else’s beliefs, avoiding conflict, fear of failure, etc. Just note your payoffs and consider healthier benefits.

4. Work with your “meanness partner.” Tune in to when you are being mean to yourself – notice the thoughts and sensations, and what you say and do. When it happens, comment on it – like “Hey, here we go, choosing to suffer!” Then smile and even have fun with it. Give your meanness partner a name (even if this playfulness sounds bizarre, try it. It will loosen things up inside you!).

5. Cut yourself some slack. You may be breaking a habit of a lifetime. Give it time. Congratulate yourself on tiny steps forward. And don’t be mean to yourself for having been mean to yourself! While you’re at it, try some of these 20 ways to treat yourself better.

Being overly nice to others and mean to oneself is unfortunately a common combination that our culture oddly rewards. The two behaviors feed on each other; both are counter-productive.

Imagine how amazing your life and work could be by replacing self-criticism and suffering with self-love and happiness. That’s how to get from being mean to yourself to being kind to yourself. While this is not easy work for anyone, it is the path of Amare love-powered leaders. Give it a go!

Unique Support for Leaders & Teams Wanting to Improve

I do keynotes, workshops, and coaching centered on helping leaders and teams tap into their unique strengths, communicate effectively, and be highly productive – all powered with the uplifting and connecting energy of Amare. For more info, contact me here.

Today’s Amare Wave Wednesday Quote

“The moment I stop running from the demons in my head
and instead I choose to love them.
When saying yes to life, both shadow and light,
my suffering is done and I come alive.”

―Fia, from the song Shedding Skins