Moshe’s Blog

7 Ways to Lead Better and Be Stronger by Quieting Your Inner Critic and Losing Your “Mean Friend”

Your meanest friend

Scott was describing his mean friend: “He constantly criticizes my thinking, my relationships, my guitar playing. He’s on me about everything.” Scott then revealed that his mean friend was none other than himself.

If you’re like most people, you think thousands of negative, repetitive thoughts every day, many about your self-perceived shortcomings. Maybe you also call yourself insulting names, like idiot or jerk.

That is being mean to you. And unproductive. And demoralizing. And I imagine, counter to how you want to be treated by anyone, let alone you. So stop being a mean friend and instead be a kind friend to yourself!

This is the path of Amare, of love-powered leadership, and it starts with self-love. You loving you. It’s the only way you can bring your best and most effective self into your work.

1. Do you love you?

2. How often do you put yourself down?

3. Are you willing to treat yourself better through your thoughts?

7 Amare Ways To Quiet Your Inner Critic

1. Start by counting. On your phone or a piece of paper, keep track of how many times you criticize yourself over the next few days. Refrain from fixing anything just yet, simply count.

2. Get some distance. When you notice a self-deprecating thought, say to yourself, “There’s another mean thought about me. That’s interesting.” Tune into how a little distance enables you to be less reactive.

3. Thank the critic and send it away. Know that your inner critic is ultimately trying to keep you safe – and it doesn’t work. Acknowledge that intent, even say thank you, then tell it that you’ve got this and go away. Repeat and repeat and repeat.

4. Personify the voices. As you see patterns in your self-criticism, name them, e.g. Fearful Freddie, Angry Angie, Cautious Katie, and Little Boy Lewis. Give each one a reassuring message, as you thank and send them away (per #3 above).

5. Do a reality check. Use a 360° leadership assessment tool (e.g. Leadership Circle Profile – contact me if you want guidance) to compare your self-perceptions with how others experience your leadership, and to identify what most triggers you.

6. Imagine you love you. In response to self-criticism, regularly challenge yourself to identify what you would say to yourself instead if you were being kind and compassionate. Then say it. Repeat 10 times. Read about more Amare practices here.

7. Take Bob Newart’s two-word advice. Do what Bob, playing a psychologist in an old sitcom, hilariously told his patient to do about her phobias and mean thoughts. Check out the short video here.

Being mean to yourself is in no way virtuous or a show of strength. Make the choice now to replace your “mean friend” with a “kind friend” – that is, a self-loving version of you.

Just imagine how much more productive you’ll be by freeing your mind of mean thoughts about yourself! This is a super-critical step toward self-love and highly effective leadership.

Amare Keynotes Uplift Teams with the Power of Love

I do keynote speeches that inspire leaders and teams to put love to work, tell the truth, and always bring their best. If you know of folks that would benefit, consider putting them in touch with me here.

Today’s Amare Wave Wednesday Quote

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

―Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life

Acknowledgements: Scott Shute, for his great storytelling about changing work for good. Also, this article in Ineffable Living about stopping self-criticism.